Friday, January 22, 2010

Adventures In Testing (or Things That Freaked Me Out)

I want to clarify something for everyone.  This is my second (yes, you read that right) blog posting in a single week.  I do not intend to frighten anyone, but this just may be another sign of the apocalypse.  Or I just have way too much free time on my hands.  Nevertheless, I felt compelled to share my living nightmare a few things from my experience downtown yesterday. 

As you may have gathered from my Project365 postings over the past few days, I have been testing for several job openings with various state agencies.  These tests are designed to qualify my skills in addition to what is listed on my resume.  It's a process that actually makes sense, and so far I've covered everything from typing speed (64 wpm official, TYVM!) to reasoning skills to knowledge of current employment regulations.  And I get to go back next week for a few more.

I think one of the other tests that I took yesterday involved my ability to operate under a stressful situation.  As I am in the middle of one of the tests, the building's fire alarm was activated.  That's right.  Alarm bell, strobe lights on the wall, and a voice over a loudspeaker stating the fire department is investigating an "incident" and everyone in the building is to remain in their office until further notice.  While the testing administrators were telling the 10-15 people that were heading out the door to remain in the room, I quietly continued with my testing.  Never broke a sweat.  In fact, I completed the 64 question exam with over 30 minutes to spare, missing 2 questions total.  I am a master of my knowledge.  But I digress...

That isn't really what I wanted to make you lose sleep over share with you about my downtown adventure yesterday.  Nope.  That wasn't it.  As I am making my way home I realized that the 2 coffees I had consumed had necessitated a pitstop.  When I got to the Metra station, and having more than enough time before the next train, I made my way into the station's facilities where I found 1 out of the (sorry ladies, no other way to put it) 4 urinals unoccupied.  To further set the scene, these aren't the type that have even that tiny little divider between them.  Just 4 open fluid relieving spaces, side by side, with barely enough room to stand without rubbing shoulders.

First rule of urinals: Never look anywhere but straight ahead or straight down.

As I take my place, my peripheral vision picks up an unusual movement to my immediate right.  I try to concentrate, but the movement has now built up from a slight distraction to a full "hear the sound" rustle of activity.  I break the rule and move my eyes slightly to the right only to be greeted by a display of pleasuring that is normally reserved for the back of a darkened adult theatre or a pubescent boy's behind-a-locked-door shower activity.  *Eyes IMMEDIATELY straight ahead again!*

At this point, I was stuck there for at least another few seconds...some things just can't be rushed.  Unfortunately, the guy to my right was trying to rush things along.  *cue a slight moan to my right* Apologies again to the ladies, but I don't think I have ever finished my "business" zipped up and made my out of a restroom as fast as I did right then.  As I boarded my train, I felt like even a shower wouldn't have made me feel clean.

Whatever got this guy so worked up that he had to take care of himself in public, in semi-plain view...well...let's just say he may want to fill his mind with less exciting visuals when he's outside his home.

Like Hillary Clinton.  Or Julia Child.  Or Dr. Ruth.  Or meat grinders...wait...bad analogy. 

Lessons of the day?  I need to ease up on the coffee when I'm testing downtown, and there are certain types of stress under pressure that I just can't handle.

Oh yeah...the fire scare?  A false alarm.


Bond said...

Maybe it was you that got him into that state...I mean, come on The Burl...your wife tells everyone what a sexy hunk you are!!!

The Burl said...

Yes, it's true. I am a sexy beast.